My friend called me the other day to tell me about a new guy that works on the dock at his job. He said that the guy is sporting a mustache that stops about half an inch on either side of his upper lip. I thought about that for a second and said, “A Hitler mustache?” He said, “Well not quite, but close.”
In this day and time why would any man want to wear a mustache without some sort of supporting beard? Here are the only reasons I can think of:
1. He’s gay.
2. He wants to look like an evil dictator. All possible mustaches have a corresponding dictator that wore it. The Toothbrush (Hitler); the Handlebar (Stalin); the Pencil (Pinochet); the list goes on and on.
3. He wants to look like the biggest back-woods, redneck hick ever. A bushier version of the Fu Manchu is the usual choice for one of these guys.
4. He wants to look like a 1970’s Major League Baseball player. See Rollie Fingers.
5. He’s a Freddie Mercury impersonator (in which case, see #1)
6. He’s Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite
If none of the descriptions above fit you, don’t wear a mustache. If none of the descriptions above fit one of your loved ones, don’t let them wear a mustache. If you are wearing a mustache, seek help. Please.