Am I Taking Crazy Pills?

No. I just have two young children.

I remember the first time I thought I was taking crazy pills.

My daughters were around 3 and 2 and I was home with them by myself, giving my wife a break so that she could go do something relaxing. We were in the upstairs den, which is where all of their toys are, playing and having a good time. One of their favorite toys at the time was a kitchen play set that has a refrigerator, oven, stove (which makes water-boiling or bacon-frying noises if you put a pot or pan on it), and sink in it. Both of them were playing with the kitchen when my youngest daughter came up to me and said that her older sister wouldn’t give her glass of water. So I told my oldest daughter to  give her sister a glass of water. Now keep in mind that all of this is in the realm of make-believe. There is no real water. There are just little plastic cups and a kitchen play set. So my oldest daughter takes a glass, pours some “water” into it from a little plastic pitcher and hands it to my youngest daughter. Problem solved. WRONG! My youngest daughter lets out a wild screeching “Noooooo! I don’t want that water! I want the water from the faucet!” She then turns her plastic cup upside down and violently “pours” the “water” from the pitcher out on the floor. She then goes to the faucet and fills up her glass with the (somehow) superior water. It took me a moment to grasp the absurdity of the situation, but once I did, all I could do was shake my head in confusion.

So, this past weekend my family and I went to Chicago to see my brother-in-law graduate with his Ph.D. We arrived Friday and ended up staying up pretty late. On saturday we spent the morning playing in the snow at a nature preserve (which was heaven to my little Texans), then went back to the hotel to get ready for the graduation ceremony which was early that evening. After the ceremony we had dinner reservations at 8:00 and we stayed at the restaurant until 11:00. So once again we stayed up pretty late. The next morning we got up and went shopping in Geneva which has a typical historic downtown shopping area that draws women like flies. We were going to a movie that afternoon and everyone was getting a little cold so we decided to go back to the hotel to rest a little before the movie. We had around an hour so I told my wife I was going to lay down and try to get in a little nap.

My daughters had both gotten a little bath toy that looked like a snail that afternoon. I was laying on one bed and they were on the other watching a Super Friends DVD on our little portable DVD player (my wife had gone to the vending machine to pay $1.25 for a can of diet coke). I’m starting to doze off when I hear my oldest daughter say, “My snail is a flesh-eating snail.” a few moments later I hear my oldest daughter make a chomping noise and then my youngest daughter say “stop it!”. A few moments later I hear the chomping noise again and then my youngest daughter says, “Dad, M is making her flesh-eating snail bite me on the arm!” And before I could even think about what I was saying I responded, “M. quit making your flesh-eating snail bite your sister on the arm.” As I continued to drift off to sleep I realized that someone had slipped me the crazy pills again.

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